Saturday, August 22, 2009

The truth.

Because no one reads this I feel like I have the freedom to just gush my thoughts and all the things you would never tell anyone. Like how the man cub mouths off to me and stomps away and someone says "Where did the little man with horns go?" I have thought to myself "I dunno, theres more where he came from". Ama heard me say that under my breath one day and said "Wow, that's pretty cold". I hang my head in shame.

Anyhoo, I am far from a perfect Mother, I know. But my kids mean the world to me. I feel so blessed to have them. Right before I graduated (yaaaaa!!!) I had a very long talk with the new and improved Sarge and we talked about how it was so hard on everyone to have me gone all the time. He was angry and nasty to the kids because he was upset with me. I was angry and upset because home was so miserable and definitely not conducive to me getting the perfect grades I desired. Wedecided together that I would no pursue my nursing degree right now. We agreed if I wanted to go to nursing school I could do it in about 8 years when he retires. I had to quit trying to make an impossible situation work. So after thinking things through for a while I conjured up enough nerve to tell Sarge (he has 3 kids from his previous lapse in judgement, I have one from my previous lapse in judgement and we have one together) that I have wanted to have another baby for some time. I watch my kids everyday, not just watch them like don't kill yourself watch them. I watch them like Oh my goodness, they aren't little anymore, they are so grown up. And then it happens. My heart aches, I mean it hurts and I get sad. So when I told the Sarge I wanted more his first reaction was "Are you trying to kill me?". I understand that. I knew he would say that. So I told him I accept that and I'll leave it alone. I was not about to make him do something he didn't want to do. Then much to my surprise he came to me a few days later and said "Convince me." My reaction was um, no. If you don't want more I completely understand. He said "Convince me". I had a little bit of hope but I couldn't get too excited. One day in Game Stop by the mall, he looked at me and said "Yes." My knees went weak and my heart raced. The best part was I didn't force him, surprise him, or manipulate him. He came up with that yes, all on his own. I love the Sarge, he loves me too.

So here we are, we have been trying for 3 months and I have been on fertility meds for 2 months because I do not ovulate on my own. My thyroid sucks and that doesn't help either. Have I mentioned these meds make me insanely crazy? Hot flashes, mood swings, weight gain (which makes me more moody), crying. It's down right crazy. So this is the last month I am taking it, period. So every morning I pee on my little stick and weight for the little computer to tell me weather or not to seduce the Sarge. I used to obsess now I have have learned to let go. If God wants me to have a little set of lungs he will give me a little + sign. *Deep Breath* Letting go is not my strong point. Did I mention my heart is still aching?

Ok, enough of that! Last night when we met Ama for dinner I saw a roman soldier (centurions is what Sarge calls them) walk by the window of the restaurant. What the heck? So I gawked at him and thought he was just some freak. Nope, I stand corrected. He is a freaky man that dresses up like a roman soldier and makes balloon animals for kids. I was praying to God he wants the "Trojan man" and wasn't going to hand out condoms. I'm just saying.

On a another note of random weirdness I was driving home last night and in the middle of no where (I live in nowhere, I swear) I saw these two folding chairs set up n the side of the road. What were people just walking by and decided to set up some chairs and have a seat with a glass of sweet tea? I'm baffled.

To prove to you that California is indeed super ugly and to prove how far we live from any town here is a picture of behind the chairs. Notice how green it is and the lush trees, NOT. One day.

1 comment:

  1. so glad to see you're blogging again!